So in February or June….? After a particularly violent episode of ”Watch Janet struggle to put on her True Religions” I decided it was time to perhaps lose the extra sumthin sumthin that I was passing off as smuggling Oreo’s under my sweater (“Nooo I’m not thick! I just ran out of grocery bags and used the stretchy waistband of my jeggings to help me carry things! I SWEAR!”).
I knew that if I just got a gym membership I would carry the card around in my Prada bag until six months later when I inevitably would throw it out in a cleaning binge.
So I did some fancy math and decided if I cut out all the appetizers I’d been eating during happy hour while socializing and the mocha latte’s with whip cream on top and switch to sugar free red bull,I had been doing on the weekend, I could afford a personal trainer.
After a lengthy evaluation process with the girls at my eyelash extensions boutique and let me tell ya, all the girls there are fabulous! They are so meticulous and pay great attention to detail in which I was told “You should probably weigh (insert cough) lbs and be able to squat while shoulder pressing that girl from Precious in the next six weeks” they partnered me up with
Francois: Worlds Most Confused Trainer.
That’s not to say Francois is confused about personal training. She is awesome at it and she probably could kick my butt into shape. And I’ll admit she is also very knowledgeable about tanning and “Just being her ” (I still have no idea what that means).
While I most assuredly have a soft spot in my heart for Francois I find it nearly impossible not to make fun of her during every training session/lash touch up. And a solid 90% of the time she has no idea. The sweet girl takes herself so seriously it must be exhausting for her.
The other day is a prime example:
F: “Since I got my tan back my male clients have gone through the ROOF. This one guy actually said “I can’t have that hot Jersey Shore looking trainer cause my girlfriend would be pissed” and he was pointing at me.”
Me: “You should buy you some sort of large stick to beat off all the men with? You must feel so frustrated about being objectified all the time.”
F: ” Nah its great. Reminds me I’m doing something right if he thinks I look like a Jersey Shore cast member”
Me: “I mean I guess I can see how you look like Snooki, the fauxhawk DOES look a bit like a pouf…”
F: “She meant one of the other girls”
Me: “No, not possible. None of them are NEARLY as pretty as you.”
Me: “You’re confused by sarcasm aren’t you?”
F: “You should be doing more lunges.”
I need to learn to NOT make fun of the large manly women in charge of telling me to lift heavy things. Although I think it bothers her I don’t think she’s attractive; but honestly, is anyone who spends 10 minutes flexing his or her biceps in a mirror ever really all that?
On a serious note, getting fit was my New Year’s Resolution and unlike most people, I didn’t give up thinking about it in March. It’s almost August and I’m still thinking.
Does anyone else have those moments of complete insanity, where you begin to convince yourself that going to the gym is in fact bad for your health and must be replaced with chocolate immediately?
I thought so.
While you might not admit it, I know I’m not alone. I am not one of those smiley, happy-go-lucky gym bunnies, with abs of steel, legs that go up to here (the sky) when mine only go up to there (normal leg-type height), and customized with matching gym gear.
When it comes to avoiding the gym…
- It’s raining – As a pedestrian extraordinaire; I hide at the merest hint of rain. I will not go outside. You can’t make me. Well….. When it rains I get bored stuck indoors, so I have a cute raincoat but it won’t work well with gym cloths (Note to self: May possibly have been a cat in past life)
- It’s sunny – Opposite to the above, I LOVE the sun. I should, therefore, be outside in it not struggling in a smelly gym. A tan also makes you look slimmer too… Yes…!
- I’ve just showered – Oh silly me! I’ve showered and I should have gone to the gym first. Oopsie daisy. It would be silly to waste all that water and shampoo, and conditioner… When, in reality, you totally showered on purpose, you scheming cow.
- I ate a salad for lunch – But I also had it on a cheeseburger with onion rings.
- I’ll go tomorrow – When, in actual fact, you are extremely busy tomorrow and this will give you another excuse not to go and you can act all gutted and pull a “darn-it” face.
- I forgot my Card – Janet, you live 10 minutes from a Gym, go and get them.
- I don’t feel very well – Yes, of course, you have a terrible case of lazy-cow-its. I prescribe motivation as a very successful cure. Much needed happy hour hydration.
- I have plans – OMG. I have to be at…um Lenox…at 2:30pm for this…thing? I just won’t have time to go to the gym after shopping. Oh. What. A. Shame.
- It’s THAT time of the month –YES! Macys one day sale! I feel fat. I’m grumpy. Do not challenge me.
- I get stuck in the machines – Am I the only person that gets stuck in the adductor machine? I mean, where is Christian Grey?
As you can see, that is quite an extensive list, though I’m sure that’s not all of them.
On the other side of the spectrum, there is one, sole reason that I do go to the gym that gets me there at any given opportunity.
1. Have you SEEN the size of your BUTT today Janet?