Couture Happy Hour, The after-work rush at your local bar is a zoo for Couture Happy Hour—so know your zoology. Presenting a Girl guide to the human species you’ll find while sipping on a cocktail. (grey goose with a splash of red bull)
Creepy, Guy Wearing a Blazer Alone in the Corner
The odds of this fellow having roofies in his pocket are quite high. He’s never been married, He has mastered the art of staring at women for an uncomfortable amount of time durning Couture Happy Hour, making them so uneasy they actually move seats or leave. He only orders obscure dark beers and tops his outfit off with a pair of expensive designer shoes for Couture Happy Hour. He relentlessly attempts to strike up conversations with his “favorite” waitress, even though she’s majorly grossed out by him, but always manages to smile so she can get a good tip. His evening ends the same way every night, going home alone.
Watch out during Couture Happy Hour for this pack of horny divorcees, because they are on the prowl. They can be found wearing rhinestone belts and carrying rhinestone purses, and have rhinestones bedazzled on their jeans. Their French manicures are always wrapped firmly around a Bud Light Lime and a Virginia Slim. Their freckled cleavage is often showcased in a black, bedazzled body suit, topped off with an oversized, sterling silver necklace from Brighton jewelry. They spend their few sober minutes of Couture Happy Hour discussing their kids and ex-husbands, and then the booze kicks in. Once the first line of an AC/DC song begins to play, the dancing begins. They will ease off of their bar stools and whip their hair around. Creepy Middle-Aged Guy in a Blazer is aroused, but hides his erection under the safety of his houndstooth sport coat. Inevitably they rub their hands through their crunchy hair, channeling their inner Victoria Secret Model. It’s a classic ritual of the happy-hour cougars.
Loud, Fat Guy in a Sports Jersey
This guy can always be found at Hooters, Buffalo Wild Wings, or any sports-related local hangout. He wears the jersey of an elite athlete, even though the back of his playing card reads “Height: 5’8 Weight: 274 Position: Assistant Manager at AutoZone.” He loudly talks about his favorite teams and athletes, referring to the players by last name only. His analysis goes something like, “Marshall is throwing a great deep ball this year. His arm is strong. If it was me, I’d be drilling that pigskin good thing the offense’s flexibility allows Malzahn and Lashlee to adjust on the fly. He believes he is the actual owner of a NFL team, even though it’s fantasy football. He expects all of “his” players to perform and gets mad if they don’t. His jokes are never funny, so he shouts the punchlines and laughs the hardest while holding out his fist for one of his friends to bump.
Chubby, Single Girls with low very low Tops
There’s nothing these girls love more than a drink menu and little “munchies,” while they look around for their future husband. They make fun of the Loud, Fat Guy in a Sports Jersey and Creepy Guy in a Blazer, believing themselves to be way out of their league, because they tell each other they are. They spend eighty percent of their time discussing The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Who should be picked and who should go home. Who is a Bitch and who seems down-to-earth. They tell each other they look just like famous people, which cause one of them to begin telling her co-workers how “everyone always tells me I look just like “Kim Kardashian,” when in fact she looks more like Kathy Bates. They frequently worry they might be getting “too skinny.”
Middle-Aged Man Reliving His High School Glory Days
This fifty-year-old former high-school quarterback found a second chance at popularity again, all thanks to Facebook and alcohol. His happy hour buddies (and also his co-workers from the construction company) still treat him as if he’s the coolest guy in school. His sunglasses are worn on top of his head at all times and he pauses in between telling stories when one of the waitresses walks by so he can check out her butt. He has kids who can’t stand him and an ex-wife who is still waiting on his child-support payments. Rob Thomas and Santana’s “Smooth” is his favorite song.
Guys Right Out Of College Working Their First Jobs
These twenty-something dudes in their pleated khakis and Polo golf shirts are a few months into their first job, working at a T-Mobile in the mall. They attended different universities, but quickly discovered they were “brothers” during their first day of training because they showed up (still) wearing their fraternity pins. They spend their days checking out chicks in the mall and remembering their crazy spring break adventures in PCB when one of them claims he scored a beej in the bathroom at Senor Frogs. They drink beers and think they are better than everyone else, even though their parents still financially support them.
Three or four Confident, adventurous, smart, funny, beautiful, classy, elegant, chic women sitting at the bar with a fancy cocktail, (Vodka and Red Bull) And one has an iphone documenting everything
This chick is married. Ignore her.